being old and making friends.

for those of you who don't know, i joined a mops (mothers of pre-schoolers) group this year to help me meet other moms and get out of the house a couple times a month. it has been such a blessing, because this whole motherhood experience is isolating and lonely at times. to focus my entire energy on a being whose communication style is screaming and slapping and giggling and melting down is exhausting. mops gives me that opportunity to have adult conversations. true, i work part-time, so i get adulthood at work, but there is something amazing about coming together with other christian moms and talking about what is really central in my life.

today, the discussion topic was hospitality. at the beginning of the speaker, i did a mental roll-of-the-eyes, because seriously, what more is there to say about hospitality? invite people in to your home and enjoy their company. boy was i wrong. by the end, i felt so compelled to open myself up to people and felt a desire to experience community. i feel like once i graduated college, i didn't know where to meet people in the same stage of life as myself and how to become friends with anyone new. yet instead of pulling people in and nurturing new relationships, i got nervous to call people, to reach out, to open my house up, to do anything. i am experiencing now what i experienced in 4th grade moving into a new school. i just want people to like me and to be my friend. i get anxiety before hosting a group, because i feel like everything needs to be in order and perfect. who cares? if i go over to someone's house, i never notice the piles of junk or the dirty countertop or the unwashed dishes. if someone calls me to hang out, i never think "that's so weird that they just invited me to hang out." i just feel glad that i get to experience life with someone else. i need to just assume they won't think i'm weird or too messy or too outgoing or too (insert any adjective). i really do just need to relax and enjoy the moment that i am in right now. okay. now please be my friend.

let's be friends

a few weeks ago, josh brought home a parking ticket from purdue. first off, i don't see how it's cool for someone to have to pay a yearly fee to park at their work and then get tickets if there are no appropriate parking spots left. secondly, if you are going to be a jerk and give him a ticket, please do not try to bond with him over his love of the indianapolis colts (notice the corner of the ticket). it's like, "hey, i'm sticking you with a $20 fine, but i like your license plate. go blue!" parking attendant, you want to come over to our house for the game sunday? we really want to hang out, but sorry, it's $20 to park on our street.

no my baby's uglier

i once jokingly told a friend that it was a good thing the mommy hormones kicked in when finn was born, because he wasn't a pretty sight. the baby acne and misshaped features, whoo boy! instead of responding with a laugh or an "oh stop," she said, "well, i bet my baby was uglier." what triggers this in moms? why is it that no matter what the topic of mommyhood there is this extreme competitiveness? the mom guilt and strive to be the best is the worst part about being a mother.

i have decided that God created finn to be my child and mine alone. the choices that i make in raising him are what i feel is the best way for us. however, no matter what decision i make, there is some mother out there that will make me doubt my decision or feel defensive, trying to explain why what i am doing is right. can't we all just be right? there are millions of big and little decisions that we have to choose for our babies. breastfeed or bottle? huggies or pampers? sleep in the crib or share a bed? work out of the house or stay at home? wake up or let sleep? cry it out or pick him up? carrots or peas? change the diaper or let it soak? there are an endless amount of questions that we just instantly have to answer as moms. our worst critic? other moms who may have had a different answer (or had the same, but just want to be difficult). it's taken me almost 8 months to feel comfortable with the fact that i had a c-section, because i've been told i just didn't try hard enough to get finn out. i also feel such an extreme guilt that i want to quit breastfeeding. the main reason i'm still doing it is because of the reaction of other moms. i feel ridiculous.

the purpose of this rant? i've decided to just be over this whole thing. there have been numerous times i have ended a conversation with, "yeah, finn must be slow" or "you're totally right; i'm totally wrong" or "your child is just so much more advanced. wow!" i shouldn't have to, but it tends to be easier. i don't want this to be a your way vs. my way. we should be proud of one another and how hard this motherhood thing is and how each morning we get to wake up and enjoy the person God entrusted us with and how we can sometimes even shower and look presentable before we have to go out in public. this motherhood thing is hard and lonely and i need moms in my life that support whatever i do and however i do it because it works for baby finn.

notes:
1. i am in no way saying that i am not a part of this vicious cycle and have hands down made another mom feel inadequate because her decision is not what i would have done. i am consciously trying to remind myself to shut my stupid mouth and just be wrong for once.
2. my child is the best child that has ever walked the face of this earth, or at least scooted haphazardly across the family room rug.