Friday, March 23, 2012

30 before 30: katie edition

i am working on my list of 30 things to do before 30. like josh, i'm having a hard time figuring out 30 things to do, but i thought i would at least start the list and hope that you may have some suggestions that i can add to the list. i have 2 years to do these, so i'm trying not to add things that i know we won't have the money to do. these aren't necessarily my lifelong desires, but my short-term bucket list, if you will. things that i know will keep my life interesting and make myself committed to doing a lot of living in a short period of time.

here goes.

1. project 365
2. shoot a gun
3. go to a rodeo or monster truck rally
4. be tech silent for 48 hours
5. sleep outside
6. donate to locks of love
7. go to a dairy farm
8. go to a winery
9. eat 30 new things
10. read 30 books
11. watch best picture winners since 1984
12. run 30 miles in 1 week
13. read the entire bible
14. host a party
15. be on tv
16. eat vegetarian for 1 month
17. cook an entire meal from the garden
18. take a cooking class
19. find something to volunteer for
20. blog daily for 30 days straight
21. go to the harry potter theme park
22. pay off all debt except mortgage

week 11

day 71
day 72
day 73
day 74
day 75
day 76
day 77

week 10

day 64

day 65

day 66
day 67
day 68
day 69
day 70

week 9

day 57
day 58
day 59
day 60
day 61
day 62
day 63

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


i think i may have nursed my daughter for the final time last night. it wasn't exactly what i expected. i hoped for a moment of calm and quiet time, in which she and i gazed at each other and mourned the end of this cherished time. in reality, she kept flinging her foot up and kicking me in the face with a mischievous smile across her sweet toddler face. she bit me twice with her single tooth, the indication that there are more teeth on the way. i nearly teared up as she flung her body across the couch in search of the snack that finn was now protecting with every ounce of his three-year-old body.

this morning, i looked down at my body in the shower. parts that should be curvy are now depressingly flat. other parts that i have always hoped would be flat are now a little flabby. this is the body that gave two amazing and healthy children life and sustained them in their first years. i wonder if this child-making purpose of my body is over. i feel slightly depressed at the idea of not being pregnant again, yet at the exact same moment, a sense of relief rushes over me.

these two children have become my life. i spend the entirety of my day completing endless tasks to keep them happy and well-fed and loved and growing and alive. i pour everything i can into them, except for the few moments i allow myself to feel so overwhelmed that i can't imagine answering another one of finn's questions or changing another stinky diaper. those moments pass quickly, as i hear giggling coming from the other room and rush around the corner to see them playing so sweetly together, finn teaching her the rules to his made up games that i'll never understand. i stand there for a minute, hoping they cherish the amazing gift of having a sibling for the rest of their lives.

so what do we do now? my baby is now a toddler. it's hard to fathom really. some days feel painfully long and that bedtime can't come soon enough. recently, that has been most days as ada has been testing her limits with everything. yet somehow, the year has passed by in the blink of my eye and my baby has grown up. the last three years have flown by at an even greater rate. as if it were yesterday, i remember holding my one newborn baby in the hospital, wondering what the rest of our lives would be like. now suddenly, i have a three-year-old who i am certain will be much smarter than me in a very short time and a one-year-old who is already far more adventurous and rebellious than i ever was.

i wonder if we could handle a third. i can't help but try to plan the next ten years of my life. i don't know why i think i can. this year has been so exhausting and so exciting and so every emotion known to a mother, to a woman. i know that if i let it, the next ten years will fly by far too fast. so today, today i'll pull my children close and try to preserve these moments in my mind. moments where they both still want to be in my arms and cuddled and loved so intensely i can't fathom loving them anymore than today.

tonight, the exhaustion will set in again, and i'll collapse into my bed so in need of the next eight hours of quiet and of rest. then tomorrow, i'll wake up refreshed and renewed and fall even more madly in love with these two amazing, ever-growing children. i'll have many more instances where i feel overwhelmed and inadequate, but then i'll remind once again to stay in the moment. they are growing too quickly and i can't bear to miss a single second.