routines and checklists

i'm sitting in my office at 10am. playing on facebook. reading the ever-increasing number of blogs that i routinely read. drinking a cup of tea. watching finn hit the same button that sings "old mcdonald had a farm" over and over again. checking the calendar for upcoming excitement. logging into the bank to make sure we can afford said excitement. then wait for it, a fume of more excitement floods the room. finn had his routine morning poop and now we can move on with the rest of the routine day.

i'm sure that everyone goes through this in one way or another, but i am bored. each day, my life follows the same pattern. every morning at 10am, i'm sitting in my office, waiting for the same events to unfold in more or less the same order. am i supposed to be content with this? whenever i'm having a stressful time or hate the way my house looks or finn is acting up, the advice i get is that i need a routine, a schedule, more order. but i hate order. i want less of a schedule, so i can really enjoy my life and feel surprised by what may or may not happen next.

a little of this is hypocritical. i love control. i want to know that my hard work will pay off in a way that is pleasing to me. i don't want to be surprised by something bad coming into my life, getting sick, an unexpected bill, a screaming child in the mall, or getting something that i was looking forward to getting cancelled. i love the comfort and security of knowing what is next. on the other hand, i love the good surprises. i love when josh tells me that he planned something and to just get ready to go out. i love when someone has a baby and we can just leave our housework and chores and take a day going to visit them in the hospital and tool around a city other than our own. i love when i go to starbucks for my routine grande nonfat caramel macchiato, they ask if i want a free caramel latte because they made one too many.

i really hope to find a balance. where i don't feel that my life is the same each day and i wake up and don't know/care if it monday or friday or sunday morning, which happened on all of those days last week. i don't need surprises each day or something new and shiny to make me happy. i just don't want to get so stuck on this routine that this is all my life has become. my life is so much more than a series of lists to get checked off and scheduling naps and chores and things to read on the internet. a lot of this will be encouraged i think by faith, by relinquishing control, by seeking jesus, by looking outside of 'how can i make my life better', by getting the courage to step out of the comfort & security a routine gives me.

okay, referenced morning diaper calling my name. as much as i hate the repetitive nature of this particular task, i think this is one part of the routine that i can't shake.