being old and making friends.

for those of you who don't know, i joined a mops (mothers of pre-schoolers) group this year to help me meet other moms and get out of the house a couple times a month. it has been such a blessing, because this whole motherhood experience is isolating and lonely at times. to focus my entire energy on a being whose communication style is screaming and slapping and giggling and melting down is exhausting. mops gives me that opportunity to have adult conversations. true, i work part-time, so i get adulthood at work, but there is something amazing about coming together with other christian moms and talking about what is really central in my life.

today, the discussion topic was hospitality. at the beginning of the speaker, i did a mental roll-of-the-eyes, because seriously, what more is there to say about hospitality? invite people in to your home and enjoy their company. boy was i wrong. by the end, i felt so compelled to open myself up to people and felt a desire to experience community. i feel like once i graduated college, i didn't know where to meet people in the same stage of life as myself and how to become friends with anyone new. yet instead of pulling people in and nurturing new relationships, i got nervous to call people, to reach out, to open my house up, to do anything. i am experiencing now what i experienced in 4th grade moving into a new school. i just want people to like me and to be my friend. i get anxiety before hosting a group, because i feel like everything needs to be in order and perfect. who cares? if i go over to someone's house, i never notice the piles of junk or the dirty countertop or the unwashed dishes. if someone calls me to hang out, i never think "that's so weird that they just invited me to hang out." i just feel glad that i get to experience life with someone else. i need to just assume they won't think i'm weird or too messy or too outgoing or too (insert any adjective). i really do just need to relax and enjoy the moment that i am in right now. okay. now please be my friend.